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FAQ - Pasted from my Emails
The following contain either humor, important news not yet broadcast to the "tech Media" or some rant that just might defy logic :
An email regarding the Native Instruments development standing with a program called Battery - a very good .wav - file loadable Drum Machine of sorts --
7-11-02001
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ZN
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Hello,
in the moment we only have the VST demo, but the full version already is
available as standalone. Our developers work right now on the Battery
demo and we hope to have it online in the next two weeks.
Best regards
Marius Wilhelmi,
Customer Support
NATIVE INSTRUMENTS GmbH
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________________________________________________________________
Marius Wilhelmi > Customer Support
NATIVE INSTRUMENTS GmbH > marius@native-instruments.de
Schlesische Str. 28 > http://www.native-instruments.com
D-10997 Berlin > Tel. +49/30/61 10 35 81
Germany > Fax +49/30/61 10 35 75
>>>> NATIVE INSTRUMENTS - We generate the future of sound! <<<<
An email regarding music humor from a musician-colleague of mine ---
> << STUDENTS ON MUSIC EXAMS
> > THESE ARE ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM STUDENTS ON MUSIC
> > EXAMS
> >
> > The principal singer of nineteenth century opera
> > was called
> > pre-Madonna.
> >
> > It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas.
> > Just grip the neck
> > and shake him in rhythm.
> >
> > Gregorian chant has no music, just singers
> > singing the same lines.
> >
> > Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
> >
> > All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't
> > know exactly what
> > they sounded like because there are no known
> > descendants.
> >
> > Young scholars have expressed their rapture for
> > the Bronze Lullaby,
> > the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,
> > Tchaikovsky Cracknutter
> > Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
> >
> > Music sung by two people at the same time is
> > called a duel; if they
> > sing without music it is called Acapulco.
> >
> > A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
> >
> > Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies
> > sing.
> >
> > Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
> >
> > Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one
> > between the Hatfields
> > and the McCoys.
> >
> > A harp is a nude piano.
> >
> > The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is
> > too tangled up.
> >
> > An interval in music is the distance from one
> > piano to the next.
> >
> > The correct way to find the key to a piece of
> > music is to use a
> > pitchfork.
> >
> > Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger
> > slips in the middle of
> > playing a piece.
> >
> > Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is
> > the part you'd
> > better not try to sing.
> >
> > I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
> >
> > Most authorities agree that music of antiquity
> > was written long ago.
> >
> > My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a
> > woman composer famous
> > for her church music.
> >
> > Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few
> > people have ever heard
> > of.
> >
> > Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical
> > compositions and
> > had a large number of children. In between he
> > practiced on an old
> > spinster which he kept up in his attic.
> >
> > Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer
> > of piano concerti.
> >
--
"Remember the strong oak tree in your backyard is just a nut that held its
ground."
Next, an email regarding still more music humor ---
|
>
> > LIST OF CHARACTERS
> >
> >Piano:
> >Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory,
> >harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt.
> >They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They
> >were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play
> >with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship
> >with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will
> >condescend.
> >
> >Bass:
> >Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with
> >their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the
> >better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt
> >like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and
> >they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a
> >break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.
> >
> >Drums:
> >Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always
> >extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the
> >most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the
> >many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't
> >really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making
> >drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they
> >play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always
> >be careful not to sneak up on him.
> >
> >Saxophone:
> >Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage.
> >Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the
> >Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane
> >and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half
> >way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly
> >while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists
> >sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you
> >talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses
> >about his reeds.
> >
> >Trumpet:
> >Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are
> >often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to
> >women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing;
> >misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet
> >Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session
> >early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules
> >are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who
> >plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a
> >break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the
> >merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
> >
> >Guitar:
> >Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock
> >stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair
> >long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists
> >hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but
> >guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a
> >guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to
> >play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly,
> >the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most
> >important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in
> >haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a
> >laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate
> >questions about your 14-year-old sister.
> >
> >Vocals:
> >Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They
> >are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They
> >are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A
> >young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day,
> >a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy."
> >Viola! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine,"
> >"Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a
> >campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she
> >approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz
> >universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you and the rest of the
> >audience by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even
> >talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away,
> >make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you
> >during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a
> >break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
> >
> >Trombone:
> >The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it
> >seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a
> >gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become
> >indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played
> >trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk
> >around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet
> >players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement.
> >Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't
> >eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a
> >trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a
> >gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.
> >
> >Picking the Tune:
> >Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one. That's a
> >fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with jazz group
> >processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference to the musicians. They
> >love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable, and they tremble at the
> >threat of the unknown. But to pick a tune is to invite close scrutiny:
> >"So this is how you sound at your best. Hmm..." It's a complex issue
> >with unpredictable outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and
> >sometimes everyone wants to pick a tune. The resulting disagreements
> >lead to faction-building and under extreme conditions, even impromptu
> >elections. The politics of tune selection makes for some of the
> >session's best entertainment.
> >
> >Example 1: No one wants to pick a tune (previous tune ends) (silence)
> >trumpet player: "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna to pick a tune?"
> >(silence) trumpet player: "This s%!* is lame. I'm outa here." (Storms
> >out of room, forgetting to pay tab). rest of band (in unison): "Yes!!!"
> >(Band takes extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's tab).
> >
> >Example 2: Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu
> >election and eventual tune selection (previous tune ends) (pianist and
> >guitarist simultaneously):
> >"Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!" guitarist to pianist: "You just want to
> >play your fat, stupid ten-note chords!" pianist to guitarist: "You just
> >want to play a lot of notes really fast!" saxophonist: "'Giant Steps'."
> >a treacherous Coltrane tune practiced obsessively by saxophonists.
> >guitarist and pianist (together): "Go ahead, asshole." trumpet player:
> >"This shit is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'." a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering
> >bounteous opportunities for loud, high playing. saxophonist: "Sorry,
> >forgot my earplugs, Maynard." (long, awkward silence) pianist,
> >guitarist, saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to drummer:
> >"Your turn, Skinhead." drummer pauses to think of hardest possible
> >tune; a time-tested drummer ploy to punish real musicians who play
> >actual notes. drummer: "Stablemates." trumpet player: F#@* this! I'm
> >outta here." (Storms out of room. Bartender chases after him.
> >("Stablemates") trombonist: "Did someone forget to turn off the CD
> >player?"
> >
> >Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create tensions that
> >will last all through the night.
> >
> >As an educated audience member, you might want to keep a flow chart
> >diagramming the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on
> >individual tune-calling. Under no circumstances, though, should you take
> >sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough already.
> >
Next, an email regarding still more music humor ---
|
> > Dear Bandleader:
>
> We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you
> don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. If
> you
> could play these at some point during the reception, we'd be grateful.
>
> Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please have it
> for
> the full ensemble and none of the 4/4 songs please.
>
> Mahavishnu Orchestra,"Dance of the Maya," and please have the
> guitarist
> play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov.16,
> 1972, at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we
> particularly liked it. If you find it too difficult, you can leave
> out the feedback.
>
> Any of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that
> their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but all our
> guests
> love high register tenor saxes.
>
> We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice.
> We particularly like the "Infernal Dance..." or whatever it is called,
> from "The Rite of Spring" (second version of 1932). If you want to
> use the sheet music it's OK. We like a tempo of about quarter note =
> 93 (Ozawa).
>
> Then for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank
> Zappa's
> "The Grand Wazoo". If you want to play it in the original key of Bb,
> that
> would be fine, but my cousin Janeene would like to sing the baritone
> sax
> solo. You may have to play that part in another key - she has kind of
> a high voice.
>
> When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of
> Varese's "Ionization"? It's such a cool piece, we think it would go
> over
> really well. Much better than "The Stripper."
>
> And for the Bride & Groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit
> by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings". It's so much better than
> "We've
> Only Just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz". When my wife and I join
> in
> the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My
> Dear". That's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby.
> It
> would mean so much to the family.
>
> Thanks very much for all your help. We'll certainly be happy to
> recommend
> your band to all of our friends. By the way, the gig pays $350 for
> the group, and before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer
> for a
> sandwich and a soda to take with you.
>
> > Sincerely, The Bride's parents
>
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That's enough fun for now!
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Let's get back to work, shall we?
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